This story actually starts a couple of weeks ago, when I decided that it would be fun to try to work on my tendency to blurt out obnoxious comments without thinking about it.  I’ve actually worked on this several time throughout my life, but keep discovering that I’ve reverted after a while.

     Anyway, I was doing so good.

     Last Saturday, when my SiFu told me about something he saw on Oprah, and I bit down on the urge to put on my most faky “girly” voice and say “OhmiGod!  Did you see ‘The View’ on Friday?”.  Or “What’s your favorite network, Lifetime or Oxygen?”

     I was so proud of myself, I came home and told Rocky.

     He said: “Are you trying to be a nicer person or something?”

     I said:  “No, I’m just trying to be more of a sniper rifle rather than a shotgun.”

     He said “Ah.  I see.”

     So anyway, yesterday I get home from seeing Walk the Line with Kristi, and jumped right in to finishing up the deer processing.

     Now that we'd taken out all the roasts and cubes for stew and chops, I had to grind up all the left-over meat into hamburger.  After the venison burger is ground, we grind it again, mixing it in with beef burger because venison burger has very little fat, and tends to be difficult to work with all by itself.

     So I had to go buy forty pounds of hamburger. 

     I get to the meat section of the grocery store, and I’m loading up the cart, and this lady is watching me put package after package in the cart, doing the math as I go.  She starts off with a sort of curious expression on her face, and then rapidly begins to look revolted.  I ignore her.  Finally, she can stand it no longer.

     “Do you think you have enough hamburger?” she asks through uncomfortable laughter, and in a seriously catty voice.

     I pause, and try to bite my lip…but somewhere in the dark and twisted recesses of my mind, Pinky of “Pinky and the Brain”, and Wednesday of “The Addam’s Family” collide.

     “I don’t know…” I say, before I can stop myself, “how many of these things do you think it’ll take to fill a bathtub?”

     I look up and meet her eyes, channeling Wednesday Addams for all I’m worth.  Bland, straight-faced.  This is the most normal and boring conversation on the planet.  SHES the weird one, not me.  BE the character.

     Beat.  Beat.  Beat.  Wait for it.

     The lady’s jaw drops.  Then snaps shut.  She looks confused, then disgusted, then unbelieving, and then a little embarrassed, like she realized how big a bitch she’s been, turns on her heel and walks away.

     Oh yeah, it feels good to be me.