Wow!  I don't know what "Don't eat pins" means...

...but I guess she really means it.

I sure hope I don't do THAT again.

I KNOW I was supposed to "heel".

And I KNOW mom yelled "NO!" at me to remind me.

But that doesn't mean she has to laugh at me and tell everyone about me "attacking" a little stone bunny garden ornament.

I mean, I didn't exactly "attack" it, I just sort of charged it and swatted it with my paw.

Also, I don't think it was right for her to laugh so hard at me freaking out over the swimming buoy in the lake.  I'd never seen one before, and you have to admit, they look like something that should be barked at.

And pounced on when they don't respond.

And run away from when they duck you under the water, and then come up under your belly with the rope.

I'm not sure my dignity can survive another walk with mom.

These humans, with their screwed up priorities:

"Come on Jay, we gotta get Grasshopper to the school bus on time.  Rush rush rush."

Sigh.  Don't they know that you have to stop and smell the irises once in a while?

And then lick them?

And then shove your head right in the middle of the Iris bed, and shake your head around to get the smell on you?

They just don't know what they're missing.

Oh!  So THAT'S what they mean by "fetch"!  I don't get it...

...if they want you to bring it back, why don't they just say "Bring it back?"

Why do they always have to make things so complicated?

What is this thing?  It smells like a bunny, yet is is not bunny-shaped.  What a funny flat, fuzzy, bunny-smelling-but-not-bunny thing.

I want to figure it out, but mom keeps yelling something about getting out of the road.  I suppose I better go see what she wants.

Wait...those things, those things that are gliding across the water?  You know, the ones that go 'quack'?  They smell like...like...like something I WANT.

I'm helping Mom sew!  Push the peddle - make noise.  Push the peddle - make noise.  It's fun and all, but I wonder why mom does it so much?

[mom's note:  Jay puts his paw on top of my foot and "helps" me push down when I want to sew.  He might or might not make a good hunting dog, but maybe we should think of tailor as an alternative occupation?]

Boy, those humans do NOT react well to you chewing a hole in the indoor grass.  Sheesh. You'd think it dosesn't grow back or something.

Sheet music is DELICIOUS!

There is a monster living in that storm drain.  I don't know what it looks like.  It might be a dragon, or a vampire, or a giant mutant bunny with sharp teeth, a lust to revenge it's kind, and a taste for sweet, tender puppy meat....but oh, yes, it's there.  It's there.

Bil*Jac Liver Dog Treats for Dogs are AWESOME!  I think I might just turn myself inside out to earn one of those things.  I hope Mom doesn't ask me to, though.

Popcorn is good too.

Those Scooby Doo dog biscuits taste like ass.  And not in the good "Great, now I'm completely clean" sort of way.  Not in a "nice to meet you, how you doin'" sort of way.

No, they taste like ass in the "I'll only eat this dog biscuit if you reward me with another treat" sort of way.

I'm just sayin'.

5)  That puppy in the window needs a serious smack-down.  Who does he think he is, coming onto the deck of my house after dark and barking at me and running at me whenever I run at him, as if he thinks he can run me off?  He's not all that.  Man, if I ever catch that little bastard, he's meat.  That'll show him for mocking me by copying my every move.

But in the mean-time, I wonder what my family is laughing at?  Humans.  Go figure.

4)  If you suddenly realize that you are doing something you know the human's don't want you to do (say, fer instance, nibbling the edge of the table cloth), you can pre-empt punishment by dropping to your belly on the floor and covering your face with your paws in a gesture that clearly says "Oh!  I'm  a BAD puppy."  Then, instead of saying "NO!" they will say "Oh!  What a SMARTIE!  Look at him!" and unload wheelbarrows full of love onto you.

1) Ration it.  You don't get a treat EVERY time you pee.  Sometimes the human is looking the other way.  Sometimes there is more than one human, and you find out that the human you are performing for isn't the one with the treats.  Sometimes they just decide to be assholes and give you a pat on the head and praise instead of a treat.  Peeing more often increases the chance that you will get rewarded.

2) Think it through first.  At first blush, racing up the stairs with the sock of your teenaged master in your mouth might seem like a good idea.  But it is rife with complications, such as the fact that the socks of a kid with size thirteen feet are longer than your actual body, and can get tangled in your feet and cause trippage.  You probably won't get hurt, but you will never recover your dignity.

3) Leaf piles are proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.