Have you ever had something really bad happen to you, and think… “Boy did I have that coming?”

     Sometimes, hey, we all do stupid things, and the natural consequences for them are usually unpleasant.

     I’m not talking about the usual stupid things today.  I’m talking about the self-destructive bullshit.  I’m talking about how your friends and family sit around for hours telling you “This isn’t any good for you.  You have to stop it.  Eventually, one of these times, you are going to wind up dead.”

     And you say “yeah….I know…but…”

     But he’s not always like this.

     But the other asshole started the fight.

     But it’s not like I do the really bad drugs.

     But alcohol isn’t illegal.

     But base-jumping is cool.

     Hey, I’ve done a lot of stupid stuff in my time, and I paid my dues for it, although looking back, the dues could and probably should have been a lot worse.  Some of it was thoughtless stupid kid stuff.  Some of it was just to prove to myself how little I cared about the next heartbeat.  Most of it was willfully self-destructive.  I thought suicide was the cowards was out, so what can I say?  I hedged.

     But the funny thing, and by funny, I mean gut-wrenchingly ironic, is I never died.  Mostly, I just dug myself deeper into a hole I was sure I belonged in…after all, I’d made it myself hadn’t I?

     Here is a quote from Franz Kafka…one of the more quotable human beings that has walked the planet:  “In your quarrel with the world, bet on the world.”

     Why?  Because without ever knowing it, your quarrel with the world is a quarrel with yourself and the place you’ve put yourself in the world.  The house has stacked the cards.  The dealer is cheating.  You think you’re mad at the whole damn planet, and you’re going to show them by sitting right here in the shit and stewing in it.

     ‘Cause climbing out, hosing yourself off, and finding somewhere else to be would be playing right into their hands, wouldn’t it?

     First, you’d have to admit you are wrong.  Then, you have to give up your self-destructive habits that tell you who you are.  You have to let go of your identity, and you have to let go of your self-pity and your anger.

     And that last one is tough isn’t it?  Anger makes you feel strong.  Anger is powerful, and it scares people and scared people don’t mess with you.  They also don’t reach out and help you…unless they are Mother Theresa or that caring and sharing hands lady…and what do people like that know about you?  They’re obviously idiots who can’t tell a badass when they see one.

     You know who you are, and you’re a badass who’s going to go down in flames, and you’re so effing powerful that no-one can stop you…right?  Ooohh, that’s a tempting song.  I know, it feels good when you’re riding the wave, but you know the next crash is coming, right?  You know the next one could be the one that pulls you under, right?

     So for God’s sake, stop it.

     I know, easy for me to say, right?  Wrong.  I know how scary it is to not know who you are.  I know how tightly those habits can hold onto you, and I know just how alone you can feel when you have to let loose of those who support you in your self-destruction, and everyone else is too scared to come near you.

     And I also know that the badass act is holding back the floodwaters of a lot of shit you’ve been ignoring over the years.  Yes, it’s going to come flooding back.  Every stupid consequence of every stupid thing, and all the stuff that isn’t you’re fault that got you headed down this road in the first place.  It’s all there.  It’s waiting.  You’re going to need a therapist.  You might need a support group.  Hell, you might need to spend some time in that awful white room (didn’t quite make it there myself.  I’ve heard about it from friends, though).

     And when you finally come out of it, you’re going to have to fake it.  You’re going to have to act like your OK when your not.  You’re going to have to pretend to be the person you want to be, and you’re going to have to do it for years until you figure out how to BE that person.  You’re going to worry every day that the nice normal people are going to find out that you’re not one of them.

     But you’re going to learn some stuff to.  You’re going to learn that a LOT of other people are faking it.  You’re going to learn that there are some people who don’t care where you’ve been when they see where you’re going.  You’re going to learn that when you reach out for a hand, there’s almost always one there.

     You’re going to learn that when you need the bad ass, she’s right there, ready to be pulled out and bring the shit when it needs bringing.  And you can put her away when you’re done with her.

     But most of all, you’re going to find out that you can be in control of what you do, what happens to you.  You can plan and guide yourself, and you don’t have to run around reacting to every little thing anymore.  No, you don’t have a thick, crusty shell anymore, but you will be surprised how strong, resilient and comfortable your skin can be.