Oh good lord.
I totally suck as a parent.
No really. I probably ruined my children for life.
Forget about how reading them Lord of the Rings will teach them Satanism, or letting them play D&D will turn them into blood-drinking disciples of Marilyn Manson. (and don’t think J.R.R. Tolkien can’t turn your children to Satanism. He’s very persuasive. He persuaded C.S. Lewis to convert to Christianity. And don’t think for a minute that the whole initial thing was C.S’s idea. No. I’m surprised he didn’t invent a second middle name just to be more like his mentor. THAT’S how effective J.R.R. Tolkien’s influence is) Insidious, isn’t he?
No, I did something, much, much, worse.
I read them the “children’s book” If You Give a Mouse a Cookie.
Turns out, it is an eerily prescient account of how human/mouse Chimeras will eventually take over the world, making humans into slaves to their will just because they look adorable in blue cover-alls.
Forget about how Harry Potter is a cultural retro-virus designed to insert the cancerous code of witchcraft into your child’s social programming. THIS IS MUCH WORSE!!!
If you give a mouse a human brain and a cookie, the chain reaction will be unstoppable!
And I read a story that makes my kids think it’s “cute”.
Oh! The humanity!
Worse, they have also been exposed to Mrs. Frisbee and the Rats of NIMH. NOW I realize why Jerry Fallwel didn't want us to read science fiction!
This reminds me of another personal story.
It begins at the Minnesota Zoo.
I was there with a friend I have known for a long time. We have kind of a strained history, and the reasons for it will become apparent as the story rolls onward.
We were at the Minnesota Zoo with another mutual friend. We were in the barn area and there were some new-born calves in a pen. They were adorable. Just sweet. I grew up helping on my grandparent’s farm, and one of the things I got to do every morning I was there was help feed the calves. It was good messy fun, and they were always happy to see me. I love calves, and I understand them.
Anyway, my friends and their daughters rushed the calf pen, and stood around “ooohing” and “awwwwwing”. The little critters were ADORABLE.
They couldn’t gush enough about them.
Of course, I’m the observant one. I noticed the sign above the calf pen identifying the calves as clones.
The nice part of me wanted to just wanted to let the happy mommies continue with their adoration of the little miracles of nature. I knew how both these women felt about anything “unnatural”.
But the Imp of the Perverse had claimed me long ago, and I could not resist.
“They’re clones” I said. With perfect timeing. Just as the rapturous adulation of the miracle of nature’s bounty reached its crescendo.
“They’re clones.” I repeated, pointing at the sign.
The mommies’ eyes tracked from the calves to the sign, and back again, making the round trip several times in a few seconds.
“That’s just creepy”, said one mom, and they both marshaled their children and hurried them away from the offending freaks of nature.
My boys and I lingered a few more moments. “Isn’t that just cool?” I asked.
“Yeah.” My boys said.
And that, my friends, is why the meek shall inherit the Earth. The rest of us will don our best blue cover-alls, gather up our adorable, demanding, cookie-scarfing mouse-human chimera friends, and go to the stars.
(Hat Tip: Pharyngula)
The original article PZ was commenting on is here. To be fair, it says nothing at all about the story If You Give a Mouse A Cookie that was Prof. Myer's very apt addition.