In the interests of fair and balanced…whatever it is I’m doing in this blog…I think it’s only fair that I protect my reputation and carefully constructed persona from scurrilous and unwarranted attacks.

     A certain blogger, who shall remain nameless, has laid the public charges of being “sweet” and “cuddly” upon me…twice.  Once in his blog, and once in my own.

     On top of that, it’s late, I haven’t slept very much recently, and not at all yet tonight despite several shots of very good whiskey that should have done the trick. (Thanks Carol!  You’re the best stage manager ever, and I LOVE YOU!!)

     Now, anyone who has known me for any length of time will be able to tell you otherwise…but I think it’s only fair that I should be able to set the record straight with those of you who don’t know better.  For your own good if you ever have the misfortune of actually interacting with me on a regular basis.  I wouldn’t want you to endanger yourself by going into it with false assumptions.

     I am, in fact, a sarcastic, facetious, wise-cracking loud-mouth.  I’m also selfish, self-absorbed, tend toward petulance and whining, and I’ve got a terrible temper, and should never be allowed to drink hard liquor anywhere you might find people who might piss me off when I am drinking hard liquor.  Such a place would usually have to be a place where there are no people.

     By way of proof, here is a quote, carefully selected at random from the very first page of my yearbook.  It was written by a woman who has known me through thick and thin for more than twenty years.  Sure, she’d only known me for four when she wrote it, but she would still say the same stuff about me today…except I think she would use more swear words now:

     “I want you to know that you are a very special friend.  You’re loud, you’re obnoxious, you’re a trouble maker, and you’re a gutter-mouthed fight picking drunk…”

By way of further illustration, here is an excerpt from another missive from someone else:

        “Basically, you are as weird now, or weirder, than you were in grade school – You’ve always been sort of a blabber-mouth, but you never bugged me, so I’ve got nothing against you…”

     Another girl wrote about a time when our Sensei got mad at us.  What she doesn’t say is that he was mad at us because we got carried away in sparring and nearly completely destroyed each other, and upper-ranked belts had to physically subdue us before someone got seriously hurt, because we were completely out of hand with our tempers.  He also threatened to bust us down a rank for our bad behavior.  Once the red haze cleared, we thought it was funny, but Sensei really, really didn’t.

     Now, you might wonder why I would object to being called “sweet” and ‘cuddly”.  Just so you know, “nice” and “special” are out as well.  Aside from the fact that “sweet” , “nice”, etc. are used in our culture as synonyms for “boring”, “doormat” and “not terribly bright”… (yes, I know, Evil Cub, this isn’t that way you meant it…or did you?  Uh-oh..the whisky-induced belligerence is setting in.)  J

     Mostly, I’d have to say I object to being called them because I just simply am not.

     I do try to be a good person.  I do try to treat people the way I would want to be treated, and I do try to at least conform to the more pressing social niceties, just because I believe that we should.

     Yes, I am the kind of person who turns in lost wallets unopened.  I occasionally put change in expired parking meters, or give money to homeless people, and yes, I give the Jehovah’s Witness and Mormon missionaries lemonade when they come around on hot days, and I give them hot cocoa and cookies when they come around on cold days…ditto the kids they get out there wandering around canvassing for Clean Water Action (who really like Code Red or Pitch Black, if you have it, instead of lemonade)…but that isn’t “sweet”…that’s basic human decency.  Human beings have done that since we started living in houses.  If someone comes to your door, you offer them hospitality.  Especially if you were raised a Norwegian Lutheran.

     There shouldn’t be anything remarkable about it, and to my mind it’s the least we can do.  No matter how annoying it is, these people are trying to save us from everlasting torment, and here we are persistently resisting their good efforts.  Cocoa is the least we can do.

      OK, the Jehovah’s Witnesses are trying to save us from everlasting sleep, which after a few nights of insomnia really doesn’t sound all that bad…but still, I appreciate their efforts.

     Most of the time, I do the things I do because I have made a conscious choice to be a good person.  I do that by figuring out what good people do, and doing it.  I usually don’t have a lot of internal sense of what that is, and I arrive at it through conscious study and application of the process of being a good person.

     Those other words imply a sort of inherent instinct for “sweetness” and “niceness” that just isn’t there.  When I stop thinking and revert to inherent instinct, there is no sweetness and cuddliness.  It’s a veneer, and one I would very much like to be me…but it’s not yet.  Maybe some day, but not yet.

     So there.