Folding, spindeling, and mutilating lauguage for fun since Aug, 2004
Monday, 25 June 2007

Oh good lord.


I totally suck as a parent.


No really.  I probably ruined my children for life.

Forget about how reading them Lord of the Rings will teach them Satanism, or letting them play D&D will turn them into blood-drinking disciples of Marilyn Manson. (and don’t think J.R.R. Tolkien can’t turn your children to Satanism.  He’s very persuasive.  He persuaded C.S. Lewis to convert to Christianity.  And don’t think for a minute that the whole initial thing was C.S’s idea.  No.  I’m surprised he didn’t invent a second middle name just to be more like his mentor.  THAT’S how effective J.R.R. Tolkien’s influence is) Insidious, isn’t he?

No, I did something, much, much, worse.

I read them the “children’s book”    If You Give a Mouse a Cookie.

Turns out, it is an eerily prescient account of how human/mouse Chimeras will eventually take over the world, making humans into slaves to their will just because they look adorable in blue cover-alls.

Forget about how Harry Potter is a cultural retro-virus designed to insert the cancerous code of witchcraft into your child’s social programming.  THIS IS MUCH WORSE!!!

If you give a mouse a human brain and a cookie, the chain reaction will be unstoppable!


And I read a story that makes my kids think it’s “cute”.


Oh!  The humanity!


Worse, they have also been exposed to Mrs. Frisbee and the Rats of NIMH.   NOW I realize why Jerry Fallwel didn't want us to read science fiction!


This reminds me of another personal story.

It begins at the Minnesota Zoo.


I was there with a friend I have known for a long time.  We have kind of a strained history, and the reasons for it will become apparent as the story rolls onward.


We were at the Minnesota Zoo with another mutual friend.  We were in the barn area and there were some new-born calves in a pen.  They were adorable.  Just sweet.  I grew up helping on my grandparent’s farm, and one of the things I got to do every morning I was there was help feed the calves.  It was good messy fun, and they were always happy to see me.  I love calves, and I understand them.

Anyway, my friends and their daughters rushed the calf pen, and stood around “ooohing”  and “awwwwwing”.  The little critters were ADORABLE.


They couldn’t gush enough about them.


Of course, I’m the observant one.  I noticed the sign above the calf pen identifying the calves as clones.

The nice part of me wanted to just wanted to let the happy mommies continue with their adoration of the little miracles of nature.  I knew how both these women felt about anything “unnatural”.


But the Imp of the Perverse had claimed me long ago, and I could not resist.

“They’re clones”  I said.  With perfect timeing.  Just as the rapturous adulation of the miracle of nature’s bounty  reached its crescendo.


“They’re clones.”  I repeated, pointing at the sign.

The mommies’ eyes tracked from the calves to the sign, and back again, making the round trip several times in a few seconds.

“That’s just creepy”, said one mom, and they both marshaled their children and hurried them away from the offending freaks of nature.

My boys and I lingered a few more moments.  “Isn’t that just cool?”  I asked.

“Yeah.”  My boys said.


And that, my friends, is why the meek shall inherit the Earth.  The rest of us will don our best blue cover-alls, gather up our adorable, demanding, cookie-scarfing  mouse-human chimera friends, and go to the stars.


(Hat Tip: Pharyngula)

The original article PZ was commenting on is here.  To be fair, it says nothing at all about the story If You Give a Mouse A Cookie that was Prof. Myer's very apt addition.

Monday, 25 June 2007 20:32:02 (Central Standard Time, UTC-06:00) | Comments [7] |  |  |  | #
Tuesday, 26 June 2007 13:21:41 (Central Standard Time, UTC-06:00)
I can't imagine what those God-fearing funamentalist preachers make of the transgenic horror known as "Veggie-tales". Human-vegetable hybrids! Not only that, but the main character Bob, a human-tomato hybrid, hangs out with Larry the human-cucumber hybrid. Hello! Bob? Cucumber? Calling Dr. Freud! The only way that could have made the message any more obvious is by naming the tomato "Oral Robert"! How dare they expose our poor innocent carnivorous childrun to this filth?!!

Tuesday, 26 June 2007 15:19:24 (Central Standard Time, UTC-06:00)

Hey! Long time no see! How's that baby doing?!? Welcome back! Start blogging again, I miss my morning 3-D Pancakes!

unless, of course, real work and baby-taking-care-of get in the way. Proper priorities are important.
Wednesday, 27 June 2007 17:59:51 (Central Standard Time, UTC-06:00)
*chortle* For both the original post, and the Veggie Tales response.

"Have we got a show for you!"
Wednesday, 27 June 2007 19:00:36 (Central Standard Time, UTC-06:00)
If you give a mouse a cookie, the next thing you know you be giving a pig a pancake. Nothing but trouble.
a small penguin
Wednesday, 27 June 2007 20:45:57 (Central Standard Time, UTC-06:00)
Baby's doing fantastic, and real work keeps coming, but I'm hoping to pick up the blog-pen again Real Soon Now. Meanwhile, enjoy the dancing (genetically unmodified) Voronoi diagrams.
Wednesday, 27 June 2007 22:29:57 (Central Standard Time, UTC-06:00)
A small Penguin...

To say nothing of what will happen if you give a moose a muffin (he gives you moose muffins back for your trouble. Avoid bran.)


Glad to hear the baby's doing well. The dancing Voronoi diagrams were mesmerizing. Almost makes me want to learn more maths. :-)

You will be happy to know that OUR first baby is getting two one-hour-sessions tutoring in Math per week over the summer, to give him a head-start on next year.
Wednesday, 27 June 2007 22:31:09 (Central Standard Time, UTC-06:00)

You havn't been properly amused by VeggieTales material until you've heard my friends Sue singing "I love my Lips". It's hilarious.
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