“How come you always say everything is my fault?”

     I used to hear this a lot from my kids when they were younger and not as mature as they are now.

     Whenever there was an incident of some kind, either at school, or at home between my kids, or between my kids and one of their friends, or whatever, I would start the guidance by finding out what happened.  A chronological order from the beginning of the incident, to the end.

     Of course, my kids always wanted to start the history at the point where someone did something wrong to them.

Child:    So-and-so hit me, knocked me down and called me a stupid-head.

Me:       What did you do before that?

Child:    Nothing!

Me:        So this kid just came up to you, hit you, knocked you down, and called you a

              stupid head for no reason?

Child:    Yes!

Me:        You couldn’t have been doing nothing.  Were you standing, sitting?  Talking to

              someone?

Child:    I was standing and talking to What’s-His-Name.

Me:        In the classroom?

Child:     Yes!

Me:        Isn’t Whats-his-name’s desk right next to So-and-so’s desk?

Child:    Yes.

Me:        Did so-and-so say anything before he hit you and knocked you down and called

              you a stupid head?

Child:     He said, “Move it, you’re in my way.”

Me:         Did you move?

Child:     He could have gone around the other way to get to his desk.

Me:         Did you move?

Child:     I was going to move when I was done talking.

Me:         Did you tell him that, or did you just keep talking like you didn’t hear him?

Child:     How come you always say everything is my fault?

     What my children are in the process of learning, is that everyone does things that are wrong, or rude, or inconsiderate, or mean.  Everyone has choices in any given situation.

     But the only person whose behavior you can control is your own.  In the example above, So-and-so was rude.  He was impatient, and he was violent.  He was by far the most wrong person in the situation, but by merely making a couple of small adjustments in behavior and communication, my child might have avoided all of that unpleasantness.  Even if the other child wasn’t being fair and considerate, my child could have been.

     What they are starting to learn is that, in any given situation, they have some ability to affect the outcome.  Usually the time that they have the most impact is BEFORE the situation even arises…before they are even aware that a situation is developing.

     It is their habitual behavior that has the most power to provide them with a smooth path or a bumpy one, and it begins minutes, hours, or even years before the incident.  The habits of good communication, fair treatment of others, listening, noticing another’s needs, doing what’s right even though it might cost you more effort.

     Of those children standing around watching, some of them had been annoyed by my child’s habit of not acknowledging people when they spoke to him.  Of fulfilling their requests in his own sweet time without any verbal indication that he intended to do it, or when he would do it.  Some of them resented what they viewed as his rudeness, arrogance, and lack of consideration.  None of them were for the bully exactly, but some of them had wanted to clock my kid in the past, and they weren’t really sympathetic or helpful to him.  In fact, when the bullying continued later, many of them helped the bully out by participating in name-calling, practical jokes and other ridicule.

     Do I think my son deserved this treatment?  No.  Of course not.  Does the fact that I pointed out how his habits of behavior affected the situation mean that I hate him and think he should be destroyed?  Of course not.  If I didn’t care, I wouldn’t have bothered to say anything.  I just would have said “Next time someone does something like that to you, kick his ass.”

     And frankly, if So-and-so had continued the physical assault, I would say my son SHOULD have kicked his ass.  Because you just can’t let that go on.  You have to put a stop to it.  But that doesn’t make you righteous.  The fact remains that you could have done things to prevent it happening.

     It’s no guarantee, of course.  There are just bad people in the world who will never be satisfied, never be at peace, will always feel rage and urges to destruction without any provocation at all.

     I’m not saying it’s all our fault.  I’m not saying there aren’t bad people in the world that need to be dealt with.  I’m just saying that maybe, there are a few simple things we could have done differently to make that easier in the long run…and should maybe think about going forward.