I find I have a little bit more to say on the subject of Self-esteem.

     First, and most basic:  Nobody can give you good self-esteem.  Not your parents, not your teachers, not your peers, not some book with pastel flowers on the front, and certainly not Dr. Phil.  You have to decide you deserve it.  You have to earn it.  You have to fight to get it, and you have to fight to keep it…and when you have it, it makes you a target for that special kind of person who doesn’t have it and thinks you need to be taken down a peg.

     That said, nobody can take real self-esteem away from you.  If you lose it, it’s because you gave it up.  True, they can wear you down to the point where you don’t care anymore, but when the moment comes when you are hanging on by your fingernails and it’s a second to second thing, you cannot deny that ultimately, you cannot lose yourself without that final moment when you decide to surrender it.  And when you no longer have it, it makes you a target for every son-of-a-bitch who’s on the look-out for what he can get away with.

     And you can sit in the soup for as long as you want after that, but you’re not getting out of it until you decide you’re worth the effort.  Nobody else can pull you out.

     Some people seem to think that self esteem is never having been knocked down…not true.  Self esteem is getting back up.  Self esteem is not winning, self-esteem is losing as many times as it takes to get to the winner’s circle.

     Self esteem is blood and sweat and tears spent and scar tissue earned on the way.

     Self esteem is not telling yourself a beautiful lie, but telling yourself the truth until you find the beauty in it, and beyond it.

     Chances are, you are not exceptionally smart, or pretty, or talented, or strong, or coordinated.  Chances are you’re not exceptionally rich, or powerful, or wise or charismatic.

     Exceptional people are exceptional because they are so rare as to stand out just for being who they were born to be…and a surprising number of them get completely screwed up by it.  When this happens, I happen to think that it is because they lack the intentionality that is required for true self-esteem.  They didn’t decide to be smart, or beautiful, or rich or powerful.  They didn’t create or define themselves…they were defined by chance, and surrendered to it.

     Nope, the mathematical reality is that the rest of us schlubs have to create ourselves from the raw clay of the average.  We might get a pointer in the form of a particular strength that we pursue, or a weakness that we battle against…but we get to decide who we will be and we get to test ourselves daily against that image.  And everyday we hold a goal before us without letting it go, every step we take towards it, and every sacrifice we make in it’s name is a brick in the foundation.

     Every victory is another layer that lifts us above our starting point.  Every loss teaches us one more thing we need to know before we can count the next victory.

     Every tragedy is another example of what we can survive.

     Every lucky break or moment of grace is a rallying cry to push the advantage and make it count.

     Self esteem is learning who you are, deciding who you will be, and not shrinking from that measure, no matter how far you have to go.  It’s believing that you’re worth the effort.  It’s knowing which measures are worthy of your notice, and which ones are vain and petty.  It’s not passing the test or failing it, but being tempered by it...

...which is probably why there so darn much money to be made on books, and shows like Dr. Phil.  Because getting self-esteem is hard, painful, brutal work, but getting a warm glowy feeling that will last for a while, getting some busy work that make you feel like your doing something is a lot easier.